Friday, December 01, 2006
You made me what I am?
Not sure if you can follow this link (I'm new at this), but Bristol-Meyers Squibb has a new ad campaign. Three ads feature an individual cancer survivor and his or her inspirational thoughts. Lance Armstrong is one of the survivors featured and my husband and I came across the ad while channel surfing the other day. We both cringed.
First, I'm embarrassed to admit that I was taken aback by how forcefully Lance Armstrong spoke to his cancer. Lance looks directly into the camera, levels his gaze and says: "Remember me cancer?" He spoke to it head-on, and I, ever the yellow-belly, thought: 'Whoa Lance, careful, you're going to jinx yourself!' Which is irrational, but the superstitious way my mind works sometimes.
But he also said something that I, as a cancer survivor, just could not understand-- he told the cancer "You made me what I am."
When I was first diagnosed, we (my husband and I) adopted the mind frame that 'things' (the cancer and its treatment) are going to suck for awhile, but one day, we'll look back on this sad period of our very long lives and view it as a blip on the radar. There was no reason that once it was over, our life together couldn't go on as planned. I really hung tough to the idea that cancer was not going to change me, and if it did, somehow I would lose a battle of the overall war. And when someone told me that this experience might make me into a better person, I was offended. I was perfectly fine with myself before the evil visited. So I plugged my nose, and kept my eyes on the horizon.
Truth is, I knew this would change me in small, incremental ways. It did almost immediately- I have the surgical scars to prove it. Everyday I make different choices because of cancer. When I'm with my husband, I'm really present, because there were many days when I thought our time together was limited. And when a fifth cousin twice removed invites me to a baby shower, I decline without guilt. There are other things I'd rather do with my time, because my time has a lot more value than it used to.
So maybe these small daily choices will lead to big changes over a lifetime. But I still don't see any big meaning in the 'cancer experience'. I don't think it made me what I am today. But now, almost a year out of treatment, I'm beginning to realize that changing because of cancer doesn't mean losing a battle against it.
First, I'm embarrassed to admit that I was taken aback by how forcefully Lance Armstrong spoke to his cancer. Lance looks directly into the camera, levels his gaze and says: "Remember me cancer?" He spoke to it head-on, and I, ever the yellow-belly, thought: 'Whoa Lance, careful, you're going to jinx yourself!' Which is irrational, but the superstitious way my mind works sometimes.
But he also said something that I, as a cancer survivor, just could not understand-- he told the cancer "You made me what I am."
When I was first diagnosed, we (my husband and I) adopted the mind frame that 'things' (the cancer and its treatment) are going to suck for awhile, but one day, we'll look back on this sad period of our very long lives and view it as a blip on the radar. There was no reason that once it was over, our life together couldn't go on as planned. I really hung tough to the idea that cancer was not going to change me, and if it did, somehow I would lose a battle of the overall war. And when someone told me that this experience might make me into a better person, I was offended. I was perfectly fine with myself before the evil visited. So I plugged my nose, and kept my eyes on the horizon.
Truth is, I knew this would change me in small, incremental ways. It did almost immediately- I have the surgical scars to prove it. Everyday I make different choices because of cancer. When I'm with my husband, I'm really present, because there were many days when I thought our time together was limited. And when a fifth cousin twice removed invites me to a baby shower, I decline without guilt. There are other things I'd rather do with my time, because my time has a lot more value than it used to.
So maybe these small daily choices will lead to big changes over a lifetime. But I still don't see any big meaning in the 'cancer experience'. I don't think it made me what I am today. But now, almost a year out of treatment, I'm beginning to realize that changing because of cancer doesn't mean losing a battle against it.
# posted by Jen @ 9:21 AM 
